Who hates being alone?

Truly - alone.

Silence. Peace. Quiet. No television. No radio. No music. No distractions.

Just you.

Yourself.

Your body.

Your mind.

I've had this conversation with a few people as of late and it's made me reminisce. 

Until my mid 20's I personally found it very difficult. I didn't know it then. But looking back and seeing the shift in my being, I completely recognise that I couldn't do it. I was a small town girl, working in a place where half of the same town worked. I didn't know how to read motorway signs, I just simply knew where to go to get to the Trafford Centre. 

And then one day I decided I needed change. 

I took a job out on the road; my time alone was beginning.

I loved the early morning Chris Moyles on Radio 1. Others loathed him. He made me laugh - LOUD. And I didn't need to converse back with anyone. I could sing my heart out and there was no-one there to laugh at my dulcet tones. Then I found when I'd had a difficult day and didn't feel like I wanted to sing, I'd put on Classical FM and just chill behind the wheel. It was soothing and tranquil. It was this part that I now see as my first introduction to mindfulness meditation. 

But don't get me wrong, I was not the converted then. Don't forget, I still didn't know that I'd had issues even being alone, but I knew my life was changing. 

That job was amazing while it lasted, but once the opportunity came for voluntary redundancy, I was first in line. Ready and waiting. And this was big one. 

My now S/O and I took the payout and travelled for a month, that was my first true taste of the big world, and I had zero intention of going back to employment so soon. I wanted Asia. So having spent 3 weeks living out of each others pockets, I booked a flight for the day after we were due home, to fly straight back out to Bangkok. 

On my own. 

Truly - alone 

Uh oh. 

My tears started as soon as I sat on the luxurious and very empty Emirates. I sobbed most of that journey. I had gone from spending every minute of every waking day with him by my side to ZERO. And I needed to adjust. My thoughts were running wild. Luckily I got chatting to a couple at Bangkok airport (which is scary at the best of times, never mind a first timer in the country and alone). We plodded through the whole place not far from each other and ended up sharing a taxi. I was very thankful for that. 

Then I landed in my room, not a clue in the world what I had just done, and balled my eyes out. Everyone back home was fast asleep, and for me it was 8am. I was jet lagged from California-UK-Thailand time hopping. 

My plans weren't looking like they were supposed to and I nearly got a the next flight home. Then came the torrential rain. I couldn't even go out of my hotel. 

But I managed to speak with a friend back home who gave me my confidence back. I went out and found my feet. I was lucky to know a couple of friends were in the same place at the same time, so we hooked up and that was that. 

After a couple of days, I'd calmed down I'd explored, I'd got my head screwed (back) on, and I was ready GO.

I left Thailand for Chang Mai, fell in love with 'randomly meeting people' and went to the Elephant Nature Park (note that you should never visit an elephant park which offers 'rides' - do not even go there 🤬🤬🤬), and I thrived. 

Morale of the story

A lot has happened since then and my healing journey didn't start until 2019, but I do believe that this was the foundations of my growth, breaking free from the mould of the small town girl that I was for all those years. 

So now I adore being alone. My S/O was out for most of last weekend and I was ecstatic! Working 2 different jobs both from home means I'm always here and working, but when he's finished work and comes homes, I don't get the time I'd like to JUST BE, alone, nothing to do, no chores, no work, no background noise. Just be. So I have to make it work when I can. And I do. 

Spending time with your own thoughts doesn't have to be as scary as we make it. Giving yourself that space allows the mind to have some freedom with what it wants to do and where it wants to be. But we can also control that and give ourselves back some space. Space to process where we're at, what recent conversations we've had that may still be lingering in our thoughts as unresolved, conflicts, and so on. Space to be in the moment and pay attention to what it feels like to sit on the chair, or how our clothes feel on our skin. Visualising what we want out of life, what our goals are and how we can reach them. 

So take the opportunity, turn off the tv, switch off the background noise, go to sleep in the darkness, go inward, pay attention to yourself, your body and mind will only love you for it. Yes it may be hard at first, and for anyone out there who is in an emotional place and lives alone, reach out, invite someone trusted to sit in silence with. It doesn't need to be awkward. It's beautiful. 

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